Ecclesiastes 3:1-2: "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die."
July 17, 2024 my little buddy got his wings. He is no longer under my care, he is with his Father in heaven. The numbness is wearing off and I am not adjusting well to life with out him. I basically cry when I wake in the morning and when I go to bed cry myself to sleep. When I added the photo I cried. This little guy was my purpose for almost 31 years. I woke up for him, to get him up, manage his health care and love him. The last two years have been with Home Hemodialysis; the first 5 hours of the day , 5 days a week, was dialysis.
His mornings started between 6:30 and 7:00 am. That is the first difficult time of the day. There is something I should be doing, and their is no one to do it for. I will admit I do go in his room and start his music and turn his lamp on. Music was in our house at least 12 hours a day and he was the DJ. I manage to mutter through the day and most of the day I have no idea what day it is or what time it is and to be honest I do not care. My little buddy was a task master. Vitals, medication, meal prep and hugs and kisses dropped from the minute hand filling my day with him! 4:30 pm he would put his "order in" for dinner. "I want Grilled chicken with asparagus, cucumbers, chocolate pudding and Honey mustard" Was his favorite and dinner was served at 5:00. TV, Walker Texas Ranger and trolling the house to: "just 'checkin' on you " until 7:00 pm bed time. I am numb and my heart hurts and will hurt until I die. Joe gave unconditional love to everyone. He told strangers in Lowes he loved them and he never met a stranger. In his last moments he apologized to me because I was sad.
I do not know what to do with myself. I have "free" time with a Heart bound by grief. There is no Joe hugs, no announcing his favorite George Strait video "Chalk Board!", no kisses, no dancing, no asking when his brother will be home or declaring his Love for his brother. So much of our home was Joe. No calling Daddy Walker and I am no longer Alex. My husband and I have to redefine our relationship we are no longer a medical care tag team.
I know if " God brought me to it he will get me through it" and that is a good thing, because I do not think I will get through this on my own. I do know one thing so far from this pain and grief; Life is fleeting, fragile, and if you have people in your life that you love but do not make time for stop it. There is no guarantee of tomorrow and once that loved one passes time is over. You cannot make up the days that you decided you had something else more important todo. I was blessed with being there for Joe's final moments I got to tell him I loved him. We spoke of God and Jesus and the fact that he would wake up in Gods House with a new body. He would be whole in Christ. What a wonderful promise and Joe believed and loved his Jesus.
John 11:25-26: "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die."
Until we see each other again little buddy .
Mom aka Alex
No comments:
Post a Comment